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Task 2 · Problem and solution · Health

Why young people are becoming heavier

A causes-and-solutions essay on childhood obesity, where the band 9 answer wins by treating cheap calories as an economic fact rather than a failure of willpower.

The question

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

In many countries the number of overweight children and teenagers has risen sharply in recent decades. What are the causes of this trend, and what measures could be taken to reverse it?

A 250-word discursive essay — the half of the paper that carries two thirds of the marks. This prompt is original, written in the standard format for teaching purposes — it is not taken from any past paper.

What separates the three answers

The 6.5 blames children and prescribes education; the 7.5 blames the environment children live in; the 9 asks why that environment is profitable and aims its solutions there.

The three answers

Band 6.5

257 words (the task asks for at least 250)

The answer works. It addresses the task, the reader follows it, and the meaning survives — but ideas stay general, linking is mechanical, wording repeats, and small errors are visible throughout.

The answer

In the recent years, the problem of overweight children is increasing in many countries around the world. In this essay I will discuss the reasons of this problem and I will suggest some solutions which can solve it.

Firstly, one of the main reason is the fast food. Nowadays children eat a lot of burgers, pizza and fried chicken because these foods are very tasty and also cheap. Secondly, children do not do enough exercise. In the past, children were playing outside with their friends after the school, but nowadays they spend all their free time with the computer games and the mobile phones, so they do not burn the calories. Moreover, some parents are very busy with their job and they do not have the time to cook the healthy meal at home.

However, there are some solutions for this problem. Firstly, the government should take action and make the strong laws about this problem1. Also, the schools should educate the children about the healthy food2 and about the danger of the obesity. In addition, the parents should control their children4 and they should not allow them to eat the junk food every day. If everybody do their part, this problem will be reduced.5

In conclusion, the main causes of this problem are the fast food, the lack of the exercise and the busy parents3, and the solutions are the government action, the education in the school and the control of the parents. I hope that in the future this problem will not be so serious.

What an examiner notices

  1. 1. Task response

    “the government should take action and make the strong laws about this problem”

    The single commonest way a problem-solution essay stalls at 6. A solution has to specify what is done and why it would work; this specifies neither.

  2. 2. Task response

    “the schools should educate the children about the healthy food”

    The causes given were cheap food and no time. Education answers neither of them, so the two halves of the essay never connect.

  3. 3. Coherence and cohesion

    “In conclusion, the main causes of this problem are the fast food, the lack of the exercise and the busy parents”

    The conclusion re-lists the body in the order the body gave it. Restating is not concluding.

  4. 4. Lexical resource

    “In addition, the parents should control their children”

    Third paragraph, third additive linker, and 'control' is a blunt choice where 'set limits for' or 'supervise' is meant.

  5. 5. Grammatical range and accuracy

    “If everybody do their part, this problem will be reduced.”

    Singular subject with a plural verb. A recurring agreement slip of exactly this kind is characteristic of the band.

One honest caveat

Band labels here describe what each piece of writing demonstrates against the four published assessment areas, paraphrased in plain language. They are teaching illustrations produced for this site, not official material, and no sample has been marked by a test provider. Real scripts are marked whole; two answers with the same label can still look quite different from each other, and nothing on this page can promise anyone a particular result.

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